You said you would die for me. You must live for me too

"sadder than the day i lost you was the day realized i don't miss you anymore"

"Your growing feelings for someone are helping you overlook their imperfections, which is good -- no one is perfect, and it's totally appropriate for you to focus on their good points. But be careful not to cross over that fine line into illusion. They are who they are, and while you care about them, you can't ignore that fact. There is no reason to worry, but you just have to understand that not everyone sees this person the way you do -- and that's okay."

good point. horoscope.

i've been out of this whole thing for a long time now. but i can't say that much has changed in my life since the summer! which is good.. i worked and then i quit. i still am in school. not working. i just re-established a friendship with jenny and i love her! i am really glad we are hanging out again. i'm still together with radish and it's going good:) we just had our one year, thats crazy to me but its really awesome too. i never thought i'd be where i am but i love it just the same. my 22nd birthday is in 2 weeks and i'm going to destin before that for spring break:)
i can't wait!!
i hope all is well for everyone else.

so my roommate of over a year, lauren, is moving out next week.
i am not suprised because her and her bf have gotten really serious and she has been staying at his apt. every night. but i was used to her coming and going and me being here alone. but now her stuff is going to be gone and she won't ever come again. i don't know why this makes me so sad, but it does. i have gotten used to my life and she has brought SO much to me. i doubt she even knows that she has changed my life. not many people have. but i mean really, i lived with her during the hardest part of my life thus far.. and she was always there for me. i never wanted to go out and i was always sad because of michael. but she MADE me go out. she let me hang out with her friends because all of mine were michaels and it always ended bad.
she took me into her life and i made a life of my own.
one of my best friends i met through her.
i would of never met radish..
we had so many great times but now it is time to move on.
we both have grown a lot over the year and we have changed.
she has settled down in a relationship and i am truly happy for her because i know she is happy.
she has given me a lot, and none of it is tangible.
i may not see her a lot anymore and i'm sure our talks will be few and far between, but because of her i am where i am now, and for that she will always be a part of me.

well it's been a while and i figured i'd say what's up. i started working at lausanne camp with the 4 and 5 yr olds all day.. and it is very tiring. sometimes i have no more patience left and it makes me feel guilty. i should be able to be more patient with every child because they all have different needs. it's hard.
not to mention i don't have a social life during the week because i have to get up at 730 everyday.
hopefully i can find something good to do this weekend besides just sitting and drinking.
so things with radish have been going quite well..
it's been over 4 months now i guess and i am happy he is in my life.
i am still trying to let my guard down completely but i am scared.
i lost a lot of my ability to trust because of my relationship with michael. i shouldnt let that affect my new relationship, because he never did anything wrong. so its unfair but such is life.
michael never cheated on me, but i trusted that he would never leave me since he swore to that- and i believed him. when he did leave, it broke my idealistic world of trust.
i learned to never promise what you do not know you can keep.
but i love radish. i love being around him, i love his friends, and i love that we can do anything. i am always happier when he is there.
with radish i feel at home.

so i had way a lot of fun this weekend and esp. last night!
i saw counting crows and they were greatt!!!
me and heather met up at radishs apt downtown and drank with his brothers
and then walked to music fest. i drank so much oh my god..
but it was so cool. i really like his family they are awesome and so sweet to me.. i couldn't like imagine a nicer family.
i feel like so happy with my life right now i can't remember when i have ever felt like this before. i love our relationship. it couldn't be better, and i can't imagine not having him in my life. i never thought he would bring me to so much happiness but he has.
but of course now i am hungover as shit.. haha so that kinda sucks but i will make it.
have a goood day

start off with my horoscope which i love
The lessons you've been learning about love and relationships may have been difficult to learn, but they have enriched your life and brought you some mental clarity. More than ever before, you know what you want, what you need and (most importantly) what you will not put up with. Trust yourself, and know that you will be able to recognize a good opportunity -- and avoid a bad opportunity -- when it comes along. That little voice inside your head is the voice of truth.

and i have registered for classes in the fall and i am about to become a full time always at school student for the first time in my life. not really but it feels like it now.
i have 20 hours.
i am crazy.
i just got a wake up call when i met with my advisor in the edu. program and realized i have been screwing around for so long that i am just adding on more work for me in the end. so i am ready to just go to school and learn and get through it so i can be where i want to be in life. i don't want to be in school when i am 25. i want to be teaching at a school in a job that i love. time is starting to escape me and i need to take advantage of the time i have now and really get where i need to be.
i am going to have to quit my job in order to do all this but that is just a sacrifice that i have to make.
i need a change.

so i was just looking at all my old journal entries and realizing i have come a long way. i pretty much had my world turned upside down about a year ago. but now i can say i have my world still and i think it is pretty good. i have fallen a lot, and done things that i now regret. i have been weak i have been depressed and i have thought nothing would ever get any better. but you know what? i woke up everyday and i lived even when it hurt to breathe.. i pushed myself. and sometimes you do fall and you have to accept that and get back up again even if you know you will fall again.
i can't say this has been easy. i can't say i would want to live through that again. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemey. what i can say is i am glad i did live through it because i am so much stronger now. i am glad that it ended because i like who i am better now. i'm glad that i have a family who helped me through it no matter how miserable i was to be around. i'm glad i can call libby and she will listen to anything without making me feel like a bad person. i am glad i have my kids at school who make me forget about myself for once. i am glad for my roommate who introduced me to people who have changed my life.
and finally i am glad to be where i am right now in life.
i love my new friends but will always have my old friends.
and i love that my new relationship is going so well. i just have never got along with someone as good as i do with him. it's like we don't have to say anything because we both just know. i love that its at that cute stage.. we are both nervous sometimes but know we really like each other. i think i have finally found someone who i fit with.
its just something that you know or you don't know.
and i know.

so here is to the anniversary of a year of growth and renewal.
here is to everyone who helped me.
and here is to me! for just making it even when i didn't think i could.

so i just feel unsettled and for no particular reason.
i still feel like i am in a transition from my old life
to my new life and i just haven't really found a great place to fit in yet. but when i think about it that has always been my life. moving from different people to different people and existing in their world until something breaks.
i existed in my last niche for a while with michael and we kind of formed our own little place to live in with all the same people. that was a very comfortable point in my life and i took it for granted. i had someone to love me everyday and night, and along with that i had friends who we both could hang out with and go to shows with.
it has almost been a year since that point in my life and i am floundering a bit.
i hang out mostly with lauren and her friends i mean that is how i met the first guy i dated and the guy i'm dating now. now i hang out with the guys in the guy i'm dating frat. and i have been going to bars a lot lately..
i also have my friends from work and i hang out with them too.
but my life as i said is uncomfortable.
it's like none of what i have is mine except for work friends.
i guess i have made it mine in a way, but sometimes i feel like i don't have it at all.
i'm just waiting for something to go wrong with the guy i'm with and then there goes some of my life. and then something with my roommate to go wrong and theres my other life.
i guess i am slightly a pessimist but that way i am never suprised.
i need to find something that is mine and own it.
i need to find something that is not mine and own it.
i wish i had more self confidence.
i wish i could walk into a room not knowing anyone
and make a friend of everyone.
this is something that i will never be
but i sure can dream, and at least aspire to something.
maybe a little at a time i can grow into this person
and be comfortable just being me wherever i am.
i hate depending on other people for anything
and i am doing that a lot now.
i am truly alone and i am starting to feel it.

MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW
OH MY
I'M GOING TO BE 21
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT

1. libby
2. radish
3. Michael
4. Lauren
5. sara
6. brandy
7. Jennifer
8. meghann
9. brent
10. Andrew
11. heather




How did you meet #4?
we worked together at coco and lilly

Do you like anyone on here ?
yes

What would you do if you hadn't met #1?
i would be really sad and have to talk to myself about all my problems haha.. she is always there for me!

What would you do if #6 and #2 were going out?
i would be mad!

How did you meet #8?
well she is my sister..

What do you think about #7?
i think she is pretty cool.. we work together everyday

What would you do if #5 confessed they love you?
i would be like uhh yeah i know

Where does #1 live?
in texas

Is #2 your best friend?
no

Whose #10's best friend?
me!

Did you ever eat around #11?
yes

Do you miss #1?
yesssssssssssss

Whose #11 dating?
everyone.. haha no one

Whats your opinion on #6?
she is pretty awesome boss

What do you think about #3?
its a love/hate relationship. i'm ready to just feel nothing about him though.

What would you do if #3 and #7 were going out?
i would be like what the hell man!!! thats not right

Who does #2 like?
me!! i hope..

Do you have any special thing you do with #11?
get drunk haha

Have you ever been inside #9's house?
yes

Would you marry #1?
oh yes

Do you love #8?
absolutly

um, can you really take the player outta a boy?

i had a fantastic valentines day:)
i got to spend time with my favorite boy
he gave me my favorite flowers
and cooked me a realllly good dinner
with really good wine.
and i got to fall asleep in his arms.
so there.
it was awesome.....

i'm happy happy HAAPPY.............
i like him..
a lot

note to self
please don't let this one fuck up

i stopped writing in here. and now i think i will start again..
i guess i don't write when a lot is going on in my life because it takes me a while to process everything in my head...
i have been sorta confused lately, floating around.
i have been talking to a guy radish (everyone calls him his last name) for a while now.
i met him through lauren.. and he is kyle (the ex)'s frat brother..
yeah i know.
but he is really sweet. and i just like being with him, there isn't really another way i can explain it right now. i look forward to him. i like him. i don't know why.. it doesn't make sense because he is just so unexpected but... i can't help it. i feel so comfortable around him, and i like that a lot.
there have been a few other guys that i have been talking to but i just am not into them. .
not in that way at least.
i've tried to distract myself so i wouldn't like him and try to find someone else to like that way..
but i don't work that way.
ahhh
and michael there is always michael.
and that is part of my confusion. there will always be michael.
and no matter what i do or how hard i try to pretend that
he doesnt exist.. i always find myself drifting back to him.
it's bad.
youre like MOVE on.. right?
but i can't. i try. really i do.
but the love i have for him is so deeply embedded in my soul
that i feel like he is a part of me i can't just ignore..
even if we aren't together.
i don't know what will happen..

clearly i'm not over him.
but i'm still living my own life with my own friends, and that feels good.
he may have a piece of me but not all of me.

i'm tired.

real tired.

i'm just like wow.
amazed - boys do not care about their friends anymore if a girl is involved that they want.
even if their friend dated that girl..
i just wouldn't do that to my girl friends.
and i would be pissed if one of my girl friends hooked up with someone i was previously with.
but guys..nope. they think with their brain..in their pants.
yup.
boys.
will be boys.

so it is over.
i'm not sure what happened. i just know that my heart wasn't there for him. more and more i felt it developing into a friendship. i began to want the passion that i had with michael. the undeniable, unmistakable love that we had.. i couldn't even feel with him. maybe it is because my heart is closed, maybe i can't let anyone in.
it wasn't fair to him or me. i truly wanted to move on from michael but to be honest it hasn't happened yet.
this does not mean we will get back together because the time is not right in our lives. we still need to learn, and grow and i am not about to jump into a serious relationship again with anyone. i need to learn how to depend on myself. i need to learn how to have strength in myself. i just need to be with myself. i may have jumped into the relationship just to escape my feelings that won't go away for michael. and maybe my feelings aren't supposed to go away.
all i know is when i am with him, everything else dissapears and all i want to do is just be with him. i can't remember any hurt or pain. it is truly other-worldy the connection i have with him.
i believe in true love.

Can’t say it doesn’t hurt
To see you leave
Again
Can’t say I didn’t cry
When I saw you drive
Away
Can’t say I love you
Less
Than any other day.

If you love someone
You have to let them go
And one day
You might be the one
They call their
Home.

This road has been rough
But I travel on
Hoping that one day
It will guide me
Back to you

It’s always been you
It will always be you

i'm not sitting around anymore.
i'm fixing my life.
the way it should be.
the way i need to be.
i literally lost my breath today.
tears fell down my face
and rubbed on your cheek
and it has never felt more right
just to breath your air
is so mesmorizing
to be apart of you
makes me complete.
for so long i have been
undone.

did you go to a party? quite a few..
did you try something new? a new boy.. haha. a new hair color..
did someone change your life? yes.
did you kiss someone? yes a few boys
did you tell you friends and family that you love them? yess
did you buy something extravagant? not really.. bills hah
did you do something nice for you? chilled out a lot
did you do something terribly wrong? yes
did you move? yes. my new condo.
did you go to a concert? music fest..blue october!

best of the year
party: wow.. there were a few bests..
tv show: grey's anatomy
cd: justin. and copeland. and amour for sleep
movie: if i can remember? um no i can't sorry haha
song: amazing by blue october. why do i love it? i don't know. it is amazing
experience: being with someone new.
concert: blue october
book: my friend leonard and you're just not that into him either.
month: august and september
day: 25th

worst of the year
party: probably the one that no one came but me, libby, sara, and tessa haha
tv show: so many. i hate deal or no deal
cd:i don't buy horrible cds.
movie: umm.. nacho nibre was pretty bad
song: feralicious
experience: him telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore
concert: don't know
book: the oj book
month: may
day: when it ended

hopes for 2007
what do you predict will happen in 2007? i don't predict. i'm just hoping it will be a good year, better than last.
what do you hope changes about your country? bush becomes someone who he is not.
what do you hope for yourself? that i follow through with everything i start.
what do you hope for your family? that the babies grow up and are healthy
what do you hope for your best friend? that she has fun back at school but still comes to visit

during 2006...
where were you when it began? at t.j mulligans i think
did you stay up? yes
what was your new years wish? didnt make one
how many boyfriends did you have? 2
did you break up with anyone? yes
did you have any crushes? yes
care to mention names?hhah no not really..
did you have to say goodbye? a lot. a lot
did you miss anyone? my neices and nephews.
did you win anything? no
what was the best place you went to? up to virgina and maryland
what was the worst place you went to? no where
what was your happiest moment? realizing that i was over him.
how was your birthday? umm so far away. i think it was good.. oh yeah i went to maryland to see my sis
what was the best present you received?love

january: new semester at school
february: valentines day was nice, snow.. sara and michaels bdays
march: spring break. my birthday. went out of town.
april: easter the whole family came to memphis.
may: horrible. horrible life changing month.
june: trying to move on but took a step back. worked at summer camp
july: took a step forward. moved him out of my life. working.
august: left and went to maryland with my sister. started school. parties. met philip ..haha yikes
started my new job with jr-k.
september: school. parties. football games. met kyle!
october: school.. spending time with kyle. truly moving on with my life.
november: kyle met my family..went to kentucky for thanksgiving. saw my extended family.. shopped
december: shopped! finished school:) hung out with kyle. libby came home!!
going to maryland and virgina for christmas!!